I was speaking with a friend today, about how to respond when someone does something nice for you, with no apparent reason. It coincided with a conversation I had with my husband a few days ago about language and how we often devalue ourselves. It inspired me to write about how we respond to others when gifts or praise are given.
I am learning the art of this “Thank You” the more I work in the arts & sciences field in the SCA. Interpersonal interactions are something I often struggle with, especially when it relates to praise being received. I often find myself thinking that I don’t deserve the praise, or that I’m not good enough to teach, or I’m not worthy of the gift. I need to take the time to remember the giver’s feelings matter, too.
For many of us, when we are given something unexpected, or words of praise, it is hard to receive. Our natural reaction is to say something like “Oh I can’t accept this!” or “I don’t deserve this!” or “Oh I’m not that good.” We are taken aback and, at least for me, we have a hard time accepting the words as valid or truthful. It is important for all parties to understand this interaction on two levels–first as the receiver of the gift or compliment, and then as the giver.
As a receiver, we hear something which is positive and don’t believe that it is true about ourselves. These feelings are perfectly natural, and shouldn’t be ignored. Continued interactions with others which puts us “out there” will help to improve these feelings of inadequacy and ultimately result in a building of self confidence. For people who experience these thoughts, fostering our own personal strength and willpower should be of high priority. Once we get a stronger sense of self worth, we are able to share that with others. I personally find having someone to express self-doubt with is extremely helpful. It lets me air out my own feelings in a safe space which is non-judgemental.
In addition, how we react to the gift or compliment can set the tone for the building of friendships or relationships. When we respond with “Oh I don’t deserve this”, we can invalidate the giver’s reason for doing so. While we may not inwardly feel as such because who are we kidding, self acceptance is hard, it is important to outwardly express thanks. Even if it is a simple “thank you”, it acknowledges the praise and allows both parties to move forward.
A “thank you” goes a long way in the world of the SCA. Whether it is “thank you for attending our event” or “thank you for sharing your knowledge” it opens people up and makes them feel more welcomed, generally speaking. As a giver, we should recognize that not everyone accepts praise in the same way. We shouldn’t “grill” someone for more of a response if they don’t offer it. I have been on both the giving and receiving end of this, and it creates a level of tension which is awkward for everyone.
It basically boils down to feelings being a very personal thing, and without sharing a brain, we can never truly understand what is going on when someone acts the way they do. We should strive to be aware of others and their feelings, but we won’t always be successful. Be kind to and accepting of each other.
I’m pretty sure I could ramble on for days on this topic, and may do more later, but for now, this is out in text.
Audrye
The Voice of Audrye Beneyt 